Ever since I fully made and announced my decision to show my business the love, respect and visibility it deserves, ALL sorts of “stuff” has been coming to the surface to be cleared! It’s ooooooold stuff, beliefs and emotions that are not in resonance with what I want to create now, so they are coming up to be healed. One VERY important thing that has surfaced is what I want to share in this post, because I think many of you experienced this, and the scars it left are holding you back to this day. It’s a story of emotional and mental harassment, or bullying.
So, when I was a teenager, from my 11 or 12 years on, kids had a very nasty habit of harassing and trying to make me (and others) feel I wasn’t good enough. They would psssssst me from behind and, when I looked, threw me the stupid line “I wasn’t talking to you. You’re so conceited. You’re not that good.” and other crappy little bully gems. This was so hurtful to my ego (teenage years are a bi*ch!) that even if I was SURE it was a friend “psssst-ing” me to call my attention, I wouldn’t look!
Another belittling bullying trick was to call me the “teacher’s pet” (which I never was, not in my nature) because I was an A student. I would get soooooooooo pissed with that, but I never made the decision to lower my grades because of that BS, and for that, I’m very grateful to my younger self! But it was very hurtful, I felt that I was being punished for being smart or successful.
At the time we didn’t have the term bully for those people, so we just called them assholes. 😀 To be fair, I call them assholes now, at that time I didn’t say anything, I just took in the insult, fumed about it, pushed it down and moved forward. That’s all I could do then, as I didn’t have the knowledge or tools that I have now.
What I do remember clearly that came from this is that I stopped feeling the freedom to fully express myself. I had to contain my abilities, my enthusiasm, my fun, my self-love and self-expression, all because of a stupid little bullying habit that insecure kids had picked up.
At school, for instance, we had to rate ourselves at the end of each school year, in front of the whole class, and this was pure torture for me. The teacher would ask “Isabel, looking at your tests and what you did the whole year, what grade do you want?”.
It really was asked like that “what grade do I want”. I want the freakin’ A, that’s what I want and that’s what I deserve! But invariably, because of the fear of harassment and rejection, I’d say “a B” and would feel sad inside, knowing I deserved more but would suffer if I asked for it. This still brings tears to my eyes.
Later on, that same conditioning trickled into family gifts, romantic relationships, and, of course, asking for money in exchange for my work, so, a “little” stupid bully habit was the trigger for me to condition and limit what I allow myself to receive. It has been “responsible” for the decision (unconscious) to never ask for what I really think I’m worth. Because it’s conceited, and suffering, belittling and rejection soon follow. And that simply was not acceptable.
NOW that that particular cause-effect is clear on my mind, I can start to change it and heal the traumas that came from the bullying in my teenage years. It’s a process, and it’s painful (still gets me crying) but it’s so worth it because with every emotion I allow myself to heal and integrate I become more whole, more free, more me. And the peace, love and empowerment that come from that and from being fully me are all that I could ever want. And beyond.
I wanted to share my story, my experience and my path because I KNOW I’m not alone, I’m not the only one who experienced this. Have you also lived through bullying, insults and harassment to your free expression and self-love? And are you still holding on to them or to the rules you set for yourself because of those traumas?
It’s time to let them go now.
I’m sometimes guilty of knowing and being aware of my traumas, but not doing much about them. If you do that too, you’re not alone either! 🙂 That’s probably material for another soul introspection, but if we want to live the life that we choose to live, creating it by design, deliberately, we KNOW we have to break through this sluggish invisible barrier of “staying still” and tuning it out. We have to make a decision for our new life and heal what needs to be healed.
So, energy clearing to release and transmute the past trauma energies and NLP to seed in the new behaviors I want instead are my best friends now. And I hope you will look deep into yourself and use your tools to heal your past too! Then you’ll also have that added energy, which is YOUR energy, to create the life you want to live.
And if you feel you want help in getting through it, that’s my Zone of Genius (I’m reading Gay Hendricks “The Big Leap”). Let me know what you want to work through and we’ll go for it!
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